BLURT~ I Grew Up In A Cult

oh HOW I LOVE LIFE, WHICH IS MAD REALLY CUZ I GREW UP IN A CULT, YEAH ITWAS REALLY WEIRD, YEAH EVERYONE TOTALLY WORSHIPPED THIS THING THAT WAS NOT REALLY HUMAN, NOT EVEN REAL, REALLY, THIS MYTHICAL DEITY, AND EVEN THO WE ALL KNEW IT WASNT TRUE WE JUST HAD TO GO ALONG TO GET ALONG, YOU KNOW, OR PEOPLE JUST DUIDNT WANT TO KNOW YOU... THEY DIDNT WANT TO KICK U OUT, IN CASE YOU ACTUALLY PROVED IT WAS MORE FUN ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT NOR DID THEY WANT PEOPLE LIKE ME TO SPEAK IF i DID DSAT IN BECAUSE I REMINDED THEM ALL THEY WERE BEING SCREWED

AND I DONT MEAN, GETTING A HEALTHY DOSE OF LOVING SEX OR FILTHY FANTASTIC LUST, i MEAN, SCREWED LIKE A THUMBNAIL

SO IN MY MID 20'S I BEGAN ATTEMPTING TO BREAK AWAY FROM THE CULT AND, now SPEND MY DAYS attempting to deprogram as many as we can AND WARNING ANY WHO HAVE EYES TO SEE AND EARS TO HEAR... ANYONE NOT REASLLY PSYCHOLOGIOCALLY OR FINANCIALLY OWNED BY THE CULT, THRYRE THE ONLY ONES I ATTEMPT TO HELP FREE

SO i'VE BEEN WORKING OVER A DECADE NOW {WINK} AND IVE BEEN CHIPPING AWAY AT THIS CULT, THEY ARE SOOOO BAD THEY DEMAND EVERYONE IN THE "family" GIVES 20% TO 35% SOMETIMES MORE IF THEYRE RICH OF THEIR WAGES EVERY DAY TO THE CULT... WHICH SOUNDS FAIR, RIGHT, AND IN EXCHANGE THEY PROTECT US AND CARE FOR US AND THEN I STARTED TO REALISE, HANG ON, THATS EXTORTION, THIS KIND OF PAYMENT IS WRONG, AND NO ONE REALLY HAS THE AUTHORITY TO DEMAND IT OF ANYONE ELSE SINCE I BE3LIEVE I READ SOMEWHERE ONCE THAT WE ARE ALL EQUAL.... SO THEN WHEN I SUGGESTED THAT OUR PAYMENTS COULD BE VOLUNTARY I REALLY WASNT POPULAR, EITHER WITH THE CULT LEADERS, OR EVEN WITH THE OTHERS IN THE FAMILY, NO ONE REALLY WANTED TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT THEY HAD TO PAY TO BELONG BECAUSE THEN THEY REALISED IT WASN'T ALL LOVE AND RAINBOWS...AND REALLY THE BOTTOM LINE IS, NO ONE WANTED TO THINK ABOUT THAT, AND THEN WHEN i SUGGESTED THAT THE TAX SHOULD BE VOLUNTARY, THAT REALLY PISSED EVERYONE OFF AND THE WHOLE ILLUSION OF THE LEADERS POWER AND OUR LACK OF POWER BECAME OBVIOUS AND EVERYONE JUST FELT SICK, SICK OF THEMSELVES FOR LYING TO THEMSELVES ALL THEIR WAKING DAYS, AND THE MYTH AND THE ILLUSION OUR LEADERS HAD CAST US UNDER LIKE A SPELL CEASED TO WORK ON NOT JUST ME, BUT SEVERAL OTHERS IN THE FAMILY...AND RATHER THAN THANK ME FOR SHOWING THEM ABOUT THEIR SICKNESS AND BRINGING TO LIGHT WJHAT COULD THEN BE HEALED, MOST OF THEM DECIDED TO SHOOT THE MESSE3NGER AND ... WELL, NOW i GUESS i DESERVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE, BECAUSE THE GOOD NEWS IS i FINALLY FREED MYSELF. AND ITS LIKE A BAD ADDICTION, THE WORK TO STAY FREE IS NEVER DONE, IT IS CONSTANT MANAGEMENT AND DAILY, HOURLY CHOICES iB HAVE TO MAKE TO MAINTAIN MY LEVEL OF FREEDOM

　

SEE, FOR ME IT WAS TOO OBVIOUS, THAT SOME PEOPLE WERE HIGHER, AND THUS TREATED BETTER THAN OTHERS... AND THE MORE DIRTY WORK THE WORST OF THE FAMILY WOULD DO TO ELEVATE OUR LEADERS EVEN HIGHER, WOULD ALSO ELEVATE THEM. SO DOING BAD THINGS WAS REWARDED, AND DOING GOOD WAS SEEN AS A WEAKNESS.

i GUESS IT WAS TOO OBVIOUS TO ME WHAT A STUPID IDEA THAT ANYONE OF US SHOULD RULE OVER ANOTHER. i M NOT TALKING ABOUT AN ADULT TELLING A KID TO WAIT TILL THE CAR HAS PASSED TO CROSS THE ROAD, IM TALKING ABOUT EQUAL AGE, INTELLIGENCE, CAPACITY ADULTS, SOME WERE RULERS AND SOME WERE JUST, WELL, SLAVES

SOME WOULD ARGUE WE CAN EITHER BE RULED BY THE LEADERS OR NOT RULED, AND SOME EVEN QUIETLY ADMITTED TO ME IT MIGHT BE BETTER IF WE WERE NOT RULED, BUT COULD NOT REALLY TAKE A POSITION EVEN IN THAT ARGUMENT BECAUSE I JUST HAD THE BASIC PROBLEM OF REFUSING TO ACCEPT ANYONES AUTHORITY iF I DIDNT RESPECT THEM PERSONALLY, AND SINCE NO ONE WAS ABOVE ANYONE ELSE, TO PRETEND AND ABIDE BY THIS NONSENSE WAS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME, IT WAS LIKE AN ARGUMENT OVER WHETHER IT WOULD BE MORE BENEFICIAL TO INVITE SANTA OR THE EASTER BUNNY TO TEA. WHEN THE CHOUICES ARE BOTH BULLSHIT YOU REALLY HAVE TO STEP BACK AND ASK YOURSELF, DO i WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE AS A LIE LIKE ALMOST EVERYONE DOES OR DO I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE BASED IN REALITY, MY MUM KEPT ASKING ME, "WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO COME BACK TO REALITY DARLING?" AND I COULD ONLY MARVEL AT HER BRAIN WASHED IN THE MYTHOLOGY

MUM, AND IN FACT ALMOST EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CULT WAS PRETTY FEARFUL. dAD TOO, AND THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR TRUE TEACHERS, YOUR LOVING AUTHORITY, YOUR PARENTS, BUT THEY KEPT INSISTING THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE WAS WITHIN THE CULT AND OUTSIDE THE CULT IT WAS VERY SCARY AND DANGEROUS, THEY ALWAYS TAUGHT ME WE NEED TO RESPECT THE CULT CAUSE IT WAS OUR WAY, IT WAS ALL OUR FAMILY KNEW, AND IT WAS SAFER FOR US TO JUST GO ALONG TO GET ALONG, THEY ALMOST CONVINCED ME IT WAS A DOG EAT DOG WORLD AND IF WE DIDNT HAVE THE PROTECTION AND RULE AND LEADERSHIP OF THE CULT, WE WOULD SLIP FROM OUR BEAUTIFUL CIVILISED WORLD INTO SOME KIND OF TRAMPY STREET PEOPLE, WITHOUT OUR UNIFORMS, WOITHOUT OUR TASKS WE HAD TO PERFOR4M TO KEEP THE FAMILY OPERATING WE MIGHT ALL DESCEND INTO KILLING AND EATING EACH OTHER. iVE NEVER WANTED TO KILL OR EAT ANYONE IN THE CULT, EVEN WHEN THEY PISSED ME OFF TOTALLY, SO THIS EXCUSE JUST DIDN'T WASH WITH ME, I GUESS IM IMPLYING THAT SOMEHOW, I STILL HAVE MY HUMANITY

SO FEAR WAS WHAT KEPT US ALL OBEYING, AND THESE FEARS ARE REAL, SURVIVAL STUFF, DEEP INGRAINED PRIMAL FEARS THAT IF WE WERENT RULED BY THE CULT LEADERS, OR SOME KIND OF LEADERS WE WOULD DESCEND INTO MAD CHAOS, MY FEARS LASTED FOR YEARS AS I RATIONALISED WITH MY MIND WHAT MY HEART KNEW TO BE INCORRECT...I KEPT THINKING WELL MAYBE THESE AREN'T THE BEST RULERS BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE SOME RULERS SO THAT SHOWED ME IT WAS FEAR THAT WAS HOLDING ME IN THE CULT

mY6 P[ARENTS, OTHER FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN THE CULT SPROUTED THE WISDOM OF THE CULT CONSTANTLY 'THAT HUMANS HAVE SOME BAD APPLES AMONGST US, AND WE NEED TO PROTECT OURSELVES FROM THEM, SO WE ALLOWED THE CULT LEADERS THE RIGHT TO USE WEAPONS, SO THEY COULD CONTROL ANY OF THESE BAD APPLES WITH THREATS OF VIOLENCE AND THEN WE FELT PROTECTED AND SAFE

YEAH SO I WAS GOING ALONG WITH THAT ALL RIGHT, UNTIL MY MIND PLAYED WITH THAT RATIONALITY A BIT, I REALISED, I WOULDNT PICK UP A GUN TO CONTROL ANYONE IN THE CULT, UNLESS THEY WERE THREATENING VIOLENCE AGAINST ONE , AND THE PEOPLE IN THE CULT WHO TOOK ON THE JOBS WITH THE GUNS, STRANGELY THEY SEEMED TO ENJOY IT, IT SEEMED A BIT CRAZY TO PROTECT US FROM POOTENTIALLY DANGEROUS PEOPLE BY ARMING THE MENTALLY SICKEST IN THE FAMILY, BUT i DIDN'T REALLY WANT TO ARGUE WITH THEM ABOUT IT IN CASE THEY TOOK MY QUESTIONS THE WRONG WAY AND BEGAN TO FEEL ME AS A THREAT, OVER TIME IT BECAME PAINFULLY OBVOUS THAT WE HAD MADE A BIG BOO BOO WITH WHO WE LET HAVE THE WEAPONS, AS IT TURNED OUT, ALL THOSE IN THE CULT WHO WERE HAPPY TO USE WEAPONS GENERALLY HAD A PRETTY LOW OPINION OF THEMSELVES AND DERIVED ANY SELF AGGRANDISEMENT BY MISUSING THOSE WEAPONS OVER ALL AND SUNDRY

IT WASNT AS OBVIOUS TO EVERYONE ELSE IN THE CULT THAT THIS WAS STUPID TO ARM THESE LITTLE DICKED POWER TRIPPERS AS THEY WERE NOT JUST USING THE WEAPONS TO PRIOTECT US AGAINST ANY THREATS, BUT BECOMING A THREAT TO THE FAMILY THEMSELVES, BASED ON THEIR OWN INADEQUACIES AND AS THEY REPRESENTED THE LEADERSHIP OF US ALL, THIS SUPER HUMAN MYTHICAL ENTITY, NONE DARED SPEAK OUT AGAINST ANY OF THEIR PERSONAL TRANSGRESSIONS

SLOWLY I STARTED TO RE~EVALUATE MY POSITION BASED ON THE INCONSISTENCIES IN MY OWN LOGIC, I HAD TO ACCEPT THAT I HAD BEEN LYING TO MYSELF AND OR FOOLED VERY WELL, AND BOTH OF THOSE THINGS WERE HARD TO SWALLOW

WE WERE TAUGHT THAT THERE ARE SOME VERY BAD PEOPLE AMONGST US ALL, SO TO SAVE OURSELVES WE HAD TO ALLOW SOME OTHER SHADY AT BEST CHARACTERS FROM WITHIN THE FAMILY HOLD ALL THE WEAPONS AND MAKE UP ALL THE RULES AND GENERALLY RULE OVER US ALL IN CASE SOME OTHER FUCKERS GOT TO HOLD ALL THE WEAPONS AND MAKE UP ALL THE RULES AND GENERALLY RULE OVER US ALL

SOME OF THE BIGGEST DICKHEADS IN THE FAMILY REALLY GOT OFF ON HAVING BEEN GRANTED THIS POWER BY OUR LEADERS, AND ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE SADNESS AND CHAOS THEY WERE IN FACT CREATING FOR THOSE OF US WHO DIDNT WANT WEAPONS IN OUR HANDS.

AND THESE GUN HOLDERS NEVER USED IMAGINATION OR REASON TO INSPIRE US TO BE OUR BEST AND MOST HUMAN, NO THEY THREATENED US WITH VIOLENCE BECAUSE, THEY HAD WORKED OUT QUITE EARLY THAT THATS EASIER FOR THEM, AND DOESN'T THREATEN TAKING THEIR TORTURE TOYS AWAY, SOMETIMES THEY PRETENDED THEY WERE THERE TO HELP US OR STEER US IN THE ":RIGHT"DIRECTION, BUT DEEP DOWN WE ALL KNEW THERE WAS ONLY ONE CHOICE OF DIRECTION FROM THESE EVER GROWING PSYCHOS HOLDING THE WEAPONS, INTO LESS AND LESS PERSONAL POWER AND MORE AND MORE CONTROL FOR THEM

SO IF YOU'RE STILL WITH ME IM SURE YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I NEEDED TO GET OUT, IT WAS AN INSANE WORLD THAT I WOULD RATHER HAVE DIED THAN CONTRIBUTED TO THE CONTINUAL RUNNING OF, AND YET IT'S NOT SOMETHING i CAN EASILY EXPLAIN IN A CONVERSATION, IT TAKES YEARS OF RESEARCHING HISTORY AND PONDERING THE NATURE OF REALITY TO SEE PAST ALL THOSE MIND TRICKS THAT KEPT US SO FOOLED...

　

Thanks To Larken Rose for helping me see what I always felt